Review: The Amityville Horror by Jay Anson ★

Spoiler Warning: If you actually do intend to read this book at some point, you may want to skip this. 

No? OK then. :)

This "true" story is about as scary as a Ke$ha/Charlie Sheen lovechild. It's terrifying... but it's not the baby's fault. It was created out of a union of glitter-vomit and Tiger Blood. Mama SLutz is an attention whore just in it for the money and notoriety, and Daddy  is a talentless hack who just spouts random words emphatically and claims they make sense. It's like it was written by a 12 year old with ADD and then edited by someone who speaks English as a 2nd language... and started taking the classes just yesterday! Exclamation point! But hey, they did something right, because I just read this pile of steaming poo! Exclamation point!



So let me tell you about the book, m'kay? There's this family called the sLutzes. They moved into this house on the 18th of December - no the 23rd of December - no the 18th of December because when they moved out on January 14th that was 28 days and Jay Anson can count, yayyyy! Exclamation point!

So the Putzes SLutzes - Wait. Did we meet Father Frank yet? Father Frank has a BAD FEELING. And then he gets sick with the flu a lot and that makes him feel bad! So then the SLutzes move in on the 18th-23rd-18th of December and then weird stuff starts happening in their house like the windows opening and it being cold. They have money problems and can't afford their boat or their wardrobe but never go to work. Also Officer Gionfriddo is the most badass ninja policeman! Exclamation point! He can drive down the street and totally not see that guy going into the WITCHES' BREW until 50 feet after he passes him, and then recognize his beard, the way he walks, and the shape of his body! Crouching Gionfriddo, Hidden Ninja! Multiple Exclamation Points!! HIGH SCORE!

Father Frank had blisters on his hands.


Then there was a lion.

Then George was all like "LET MY PEOPLE GO!" and then Gionfriddo sat quietly in his police car with the lights off watching in a non-creeper way while George acted all "like a lunatic" but later Gionfriddo said it was OK because they were closing the windows so he drove away with his lights off... totally not like a creeper, I said!

SCARY PIG!


Jodie says he's an angel but he's really a BEAST! RUN! Then there is a storm and they are TRAPPED IN THE HOUSE except for when they got in the car to go to the doctor's office for some band-aids and baby tylenol. Also, call Father Frank.

Then they moved out and then the story was over except when they levitated some more and then moved to California where levitation is illegal.

Congratulations. You've now read The Amityville Horror.

I'm sorry.